NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Jeff Hartwell, 41, has been coaching his 5-year-old son's T-ball team with the intensity of a manager preparing for Game 7, sources confirmed. Hartwell keeps score in a Google Sheet with 340 rows of data and a tab labeled "opponent tendencies." His team is 7-2.

He spent $400 on a portable whiteboard that permanently reads "ATTACK THE ZONE" after he forgot to buy dry-erase markers. He said this was "fine because it's always applicable."

"My dad says winning isn't everything but then he gets really quiet in the car when we lose," said 5-year-old Mason Hartwell, who was recently asked to study film. The film was a YouTube video of a golden retriever catching a tennis ball.

The league does not give out rings. Hartwell's stated goal is "a ring."