Felicia has broken more stories than anyone at The Backup Punter, though most of them turned out to be things that had already happened. She once live-tweeted a press conference that was a fire drill. She has a degree in broadcast journalism from a university she will not name.

Marcus has covered professional sports for 14 years without attending a single game in person. He works exclusively from a La-Z-Boy in Scottsdale and has described press boxes as "too social." His sources include a retired equipment manager and a man he met at a gas station in 2019.

Doug is a freelance contributor whose work has been rejected by every major sports outlet in North America. He pitched an 8,000-word feature on punt formation strategy to The Athletic. They did not respond. He pitched it again. They blocked his email.

Randall has been with The Backup Punter since its founding, which was earlier this year. He calls himself "senior" because he is 58. Three separate editors have independently used the phrase "confidently incorrect" to describe his work. None of them were contacted for this bio.

Keith runs the investigative unit, which is just Keith. He once spent four months investigating why a specific water cooler in MetLife Stadium was always empty. The story was killed. He still brings it up.

Tricia provides data-driven analysis using spreadsheets she built herself and refuses to share. Her models have predicted zero outcomes correctly. She has a podcast with no listeners that she records in her car during lunch. The car is not parked when she records.

Sheila covers national stories from a desk that is technically in a shared WeWork in Portland. She was once credentialed for an NBA game by accident and sat courtside for 11 minutes before being asked to leave. She still lists it on her resume.

Yolanda contributes one article per week, usually on Tuesdays, unless something comes up, which it always does. She has missed more deadlines than any contributor in Backup Punter history. Her last three articles were submitted on the correct day but in the wrong month.

Gerald reports from the sidelines, though he has never been given a sideline pass. He watches games from the parking lot on a portable TV he bought at a yard sale in 2017. The antenna gets better reception near the dumpsters, so that is where he sets up.

Diane is the most reliable reporter at The Backup Punter, which means she has filed more than three stories. She previously worked at a regional newspaper that folded, a sports blog that folded, and a newsletter that had four subscribers, two of whom were her parents.